THE WORST SIDE OF ME

"I AM NOT PERFECT.

I can be awkward, unconfortable and needy. And I can be clingy, over-emotional and insecure. I can be rude, confusing and demanding. And I can be irritable, irrational and overly-sensitive. I can be ignorant, belittling and judgemental.

I am not perfect.

I can be concerned, ustable and anti-social. And I can be hypocritical, analytical and materialistic. I can be lonely, misleading and dramatic. And I can be lazy, greedy and self-involved.

But darling: if you cannot love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

"Allie's father: He's not suitable for you, baby.

Allie: What? Why?

Allie's mother: Because!!

Allie: WHAT!

Allie's mother: TRASH, trash.. He's trash."


Mamma knows better.
He is trash.
Know how?
Easy.
They always are.

Now its too late...

"Allie: Why didn you write me? Why? It wasn over for me, I waited for you for seven years. But now its too late. Noah: I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you everyday for a year. Allie: You wrote me? Noah: Yes... it wasn over, it still isn over"

Actually, it's never over, is it?

"Effy Stonem: Sometimes I think I was born backwards. You know came out my mum the wrong way. I hear words go past me backwards. The people I should love I hate, and the people I hate..."

"Sid: What would you do if everything was just so fucked up, that you didn't know what to do?
Cassie: I'd stop eating until they take me to hospital."

"Michelle: Have you got something to tell me?
Tony: Umm... I don't know... I like your hair? No... Your top's nice... I love you? Any of those?"

"Welcome to Broken Hearted Airways. Thank you for crashing and burning with us today."

"it’s completely and utterly crazy to love someone who’s hurt you, right? but what’s even crazier is to think that someone who hurts you loves you."

"- What am feelin' today? Hello,Today I’m Fucked up Insecure Neurotic Emotional"

I JUST CAN'T!

"i can't. i can't i can't i can't.
i can't do this anymore. its going to kill me. i just can't. i need to move on.
but.
i can't stop loving him. i can't and i need to because its the worst thing ever.
i can't because thinking of everything that happened literally makes me sick to my stomach.
i can't because he's the only one i ever think about.
he's the one i don't want to think about, but i cannot stop.
i can't because i never got to kiss him, i never felt his breath between my lips.
i can't because i spend my days fantasizing about him surprising me,
showing up on my doorstep, telling me he made a mistake.
i can't because i see her everyday.
i see her and i think of what they used to have and i agonize over whether he chose her.
i can't because i don't even know if he chose her.
i don't even know because he is so confusing and frustrating
and he makes everything so unclear.
i can't because he might still have feelings for me.
there is that sliver of a chance and while i know its probably not true,
it makes it impossible to let go.
i can't because i think about being in his arms every second.
the hairs of his beard brushing my cheek gently.
the feeling of his warmth beneath my fingers.
i can't because the way our fingers intertwined was perfect.
it felt warm and soft and right.
i can't because he understood me.
he just got me, right from the start.
and i don't find that often. not often at all.
i can't because we would be perfect together.
i know we would. and it's too hard for me to give up on that.
i can't because EVERYTHING makes me think of him.
crayons. tattoos. band tees. school buses. nose rings.
and every time i see them im completely overwhelmed.
i can't because i practically start crying in the middle of the gym when a song comes on that makes me think of him. which is a lot of songs.
i can't because i've tried and it doesn't work. i want to stop so much.
its just not going to happen.
i can't because i don't see other guys. i don't even see them as being guys.
its like they don't exist to me now.
i can;t because i imagined our insane, amazing, beautiful future and it's all i want.
i thought it was really going to happen and now the pain is eating me up.
i can't because i want him more than i've ever wanted anything in my life.

i can't breathe. i can't focus. i can't be without him. i can't go the rest of my life wondering what it would have been like.

i just can't. "

Wearing a shield...

"When I was a girl, my life was music that was always getting louder.
Everything moved me. A dog following a stranger. That made me feel so much.
A calendar that showed the wrong month. I could have cried over it. I did.
Where the smoke from the chimney ended. How an overturned bottle rested at the edge of a table.
I spent my life learning to feel less.
Every day I felt less.
Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness."

Waiting for something more...

Don't make this easy, I want you to mean it.

AMEI ESTE TEXTO. senti-o de génio.

Senti-me pequenina, queria tanto ter dito estas palavras... mesmo sabendo que iria dar ao mesmo, assim ao menos poderia considerar-me corajosa como ela.

"' Of course,' she said. ' I hope that there'll be something else in my life besides you.' She nestled against me. 'But later on--not now'
'No.' I said, 'not now.' I gently kissed her face. There were moments when I found her so charming that I would have liked to say to her without lying, ' I love you.' But how then? Her presence affected me, but when I was away from her, I never thought of her; I would have left her any day without regret. My tenderness, my esteem were far from being love. She closed her eyes under my kisses with a docile and rapt expression. Then she looked at me again and moistened her lips with her tongue,
'Listen,' she said.
'What is it?'
She hesitated.
'Later on. I'll try to detach myself from you, I promise. But that shouldn't stop us trying to have as deep feelings for each other as possible.'
I held her closely to me, her courage touched me deeply.
'Is it really worth while getting fonder of each other, if it's only to be provisional?'
'No matter,' she said, 'we're not going to spoil the present through fear of the future.'

She threw herself back and her hair fanned out on the pillow.

'Id like to be all yours,' she murmured."

HELP??

AI QUE VONTADE QUE EU TENHO DE RIR!

- basicamente, estás confuso. e então? temos de falar porque...?? isso eu mesma estou, mas não to disse até ter certezas, não preciso de falar contigo para me aperceber do que quero ou deixo de querer, afinal de contas ainda decido por mim.

enfim, ou me meto com gente que sabe de mais, ou neste caso, com gente que a sabe de menos.

come away with me

"Quando o nosso amor nasceu, vi-o correr muito depressa debaixo dos meus olhos e quis ir atrás dele. Perdi o meu tempo porque não percebi que era a única que o seguia. Não te vi parado, do outro lado da margem, que se ia cavando cada vez mais larga e funda, impotente ao caudal, assustado com a minha determinação, tu que só somas certezas depois de se dissiparem todas as dúvidas e que preferes sempre não acreditar em ti e nos outros, até que o tempo e a sorte te vençam."

-Margarida Rebello Pinto

WHO ARE YOU?

Ao observar o meu post anterior, apercebi-me de algo. Queria exprimir não saber definir uma pessoa como algo que me fará bem, ou algo que eu não preciso ou que simplesmente não estou pronta para a receber, isto tudo de certa forma, nem que seja em pensamentos, em detrimento de outra.
Mas ao observar o título, tudo isto me pareceu bastante claro, a questão não é se o 'X' seria o ideal, ou algo que mais tarde ou mais cedo não iria precisar(digamos assim), mas sim o 'X' seria o boyfriend, e o 'Y' seria o temporary fix.
Mas mantém-se uma questão: quem é quem?

POSSIBLE BOYFRIEND IN A NEAR FUTURE vs. TEMPORARY FIX

"You should know that you're just a temporary fix. You're just a filler in the space that happened to be free."

Medo. Indecisão. Nervosismo. Tristeza. Cansaço. Impaciência. Exaustão.

À procura da palavra que melhor descreva como me sinto.
Estava tudo tão bem, e de repente páro. E não estou aos pulos. Devia! Mas o que é certo é que não estou. Tenho um sorrisozinho nos lábios. Mas não estou às gargalhadas. Devia! Mas o que é certo é que não estou. O que é que se passa comigo? Afinal de contas, do que é que ando à procura??

"In this city, nothing is for certain.

The night can push you forward into a dark future."

is this something to avoid? actually, can i avoid it?

"They say 'there are no accidents', sometimes reality comes crashing into us, other times it dawns on us slowly, despite our best efforts to ignore it...

We make our own fortunes, and then call them fate. And what better excuse to choose a path than to insist is our destiny? But at the end of the day, we all have to live with our choices, no matter who is looking over our shoulder."

don't know which side to buy :x

aiii vidaaaaa! sempre a mesma treta, trampa, merda, nojice de sempre. está tudo muito bem, e do nada aparece algo que (dentro da minha cabeça pelo menos no que toca à exaltação da minha atenção) estraga tudo! CARAÇAS PARA ISTO! (só para não dizer nada mais agressivo...)
É o que digo a anos, se deus existe(desculpem mas visto que não sou crente, esse vosso deus para mim é com letra pequena como todas as outras), se ele existe... anda a brincar comigo!
Então anda aqui uma pessoa feliz da vida, e atravessa-se sempre um pecado à frente. (é que nem sem bem qual deles se reflecte melhor nisto, ora pois bem: orgulho? por um lado sim por outro não. tem também o seu 'quê' de vaidade sim senhor. gula, pode-se dizer que sim! luxúria? SEM DÚVIDA!)
mas também se me deixo levar é porque
a) o que tenho não me satisfaz.
b) adoro desafios e saber até que ponto vão as minhas capacidades.
c) bater com a cabeça na parede.

aceitam-se comentários a este post para contagem de votos.

Olá! Está aí alguém?

"Sei que amanhã vou acordar, dar-te um beijo e partir. Sei que amanhã voltarei a morrer."

Ai! sei, sei, sei, mas continuo a teimar fingir não saber. Odeio despedidas, odeio o barulho ensurdecedor do silêncio de um Adeus.

Teimo em insistir em agir como se fosse a melhor "recepcionista" (passo a explicar este meu pensamento que poderá deixar alguns de voces, ou ninguém, um pouco enublados).

Imaginem a situação, mulheres independentes, donas do vosso hotel, onde fazem questão serem voces mesmas a estarem à frente, a darem a cara, sem medos nem hesitações. Hotel esse onde vos aparecem hóspedes de aspecto familiar, outros que vos chamam a atenção pelas suas vestes ou sotaque, e outro meramente de passagem.

Chegam à recepção, falam de onde estiveram, dizem brevemente quem são, mas o que é certo é que nunca dizem para onde vão!

Mas eu pelo menos enquanto "mulher recepcionista" teimo em preencher essas lacunas com a minha imaginação, deambulo nesses pensamentos, e acredito sempre naquela ideia que um dia um desses turistas não esteja apenas de passagem, mas sim que me leve a visitar outros sítios, outras sensações...

Até ao dia que sorrateiramente espreitamos o seu quarto, as suas coisas, a sua intimidade, e nada nos parece tão perfeito, já nada nos parece tão certo, mas por querermos manter a seriedade, fingimos que nada daquilo existe, que nunca descobrimos X ou Y, até ao dia do "check out", onde o Adeus é dito sem qualquer renúncia, onde o suspiro que em tempos foi de exaltação, sai em forma de desilusão.

Mas mesmo assim admiramo-nos desta partida,apesar dela ter estado mais que prevista desde o primeiro dia...

ODEIO FINGIR QUE NÃO VEJO O QUE ESTÁ LÁ ESCANCARADO À MINHA FRENTE!

Aliás, continuo a questionar-me porque é que solto esse Olá quando porventura mais tarde ou mais cedo o que irei ouvir como resposta será um Adeus, ou por vezes nem isso...

Good/Bad, Black/White

"somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning,

that without listening speaking no longer heals,

that without distance closeness cannot cure."

-Henri Nouwen

PÁRA, APRENDE, AVANÇA!

"even though you may want to move forward in your life, you must have one foot on the brakes.
in order to be free, we must learn how to let go.
release the hurt. release the fear.
refuse to entertain your old pain.
the energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life."